12 Steps to making a profitable pub in Zurich

If you've ever wondered what you need to do to rack in the money in Zurich you should follow these simple steps:

Obtain premises near the main train station.
Call it an "English pub."
Install grubby carpets. These must not be cleaned. Ever.
Do not serve food. No-one goes to an English pub to eat.
Ensure the boisterous presence of a ladette community by providing the excuse of "Theres a live band on tonight."
Always show the football. Football fans always want to drink and go out "on the pull."
As the night trains are infrequent, be sure to stay open until regular service resumes on Friday and Saturday nights.
If you happen to have access to the second floor (separate entrance, obviously) of the building, make that a pub too. Name it after the mistress of the person the first floor pub is named after. You should clean the lavatories on this floor. This is your "classy" pub, after all.
Supply beer that is close to it's use buy date.
Charge 8.50CHF a pint
Ensure drunk football fans feel at home by not cleaning the lavatories. Ever.
Repeat from step 5 every night with extended opening hours on Friday and Saturday.

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